thoughts of the week

I missed a Wednesday since I missed class last week. I spend from 5am Wednesday morning until 3 pm Thursday—straight w/no sleep—working on my public policies paper…so I had to skip class to finish that. I’m back in class now, thought it’s a discussion night since we just turned in a paper and are discussing what we wrote (it was a book review). In the second half of class, Admiral Vern Clark is coming to speak so I am excited about that. He is the recently retired Chief of Naval Operations—member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He just joined Regent’s faculty and has been around the last couple of weeks in most of my classes, speaking or listening-in. Really fascinating man who has lots of inside info I covet ;) Devoted Christian and only CNO to last through two presidents. General Ashcroft convinced him to come to Regent.

Right now I’m in the middle of a two-week intensive class on civil liberties and national security. General Ashcroft is teaching and that gives it an entirely different aspect…studying the Patriot Act etc.. with the author and proponent is well…fun! It’s an intense class and meets almost every day right now but I’m learning so much. It’s a joint law school class and I’m one of just a couple government students in it…

Anyways, last week was the Philadelphia Society Meeting. What a blast! Definitely the height of intellectual enjoyment. Very different from a “political conference” because this is more of a “secret club” of elite conservatives and it’s their time to just relax and hang out and discuss with eachother. Relatively small group, and just a few of us students sponsored to attend. Most everyone there was the type I’d read their books etc.. Not flashy names, more the intellectual names than the tv conservatives. The theme of discussion was foreign policy. Since there is no consensus on conservative foreign policy, that made for some very interesting debates! All sides from those decrying the war in Iraq and calling for more isolationism to those promoting the President’s democracy programs. Speakers contrasted and panels argued. Everyone having the basic fundamentals of conservativism in common made it much more enjoyable and relaxing, even in the midst of disagreement. It was also amusing because it was very elite in every way, including the meals they fed us, the location etc.. Right in the middle of historical Philadelphia, just blocks from Independence Hall. Saturday night they ISI hosted a special dinner. I’ve never seen anything like it…but then again I guess I haven’t spent too much time on the upper fringes of society ;) It started with appetizers being a zillion exotic cheeses, breads, crackers, and olives and then a open raw bar with lobster, crab legs, oysters, mussels and yeah…pretty much everything else. It was crazy! And then there was the 4 course dinner once we actually sat down. It was insane but fun, especially since the entire weekend was scholarshiped for me, including travel expenses etc… I also learned a lot about the various justifications—conservative justifications—for foreign policy options, and long-term strategies in relation to the Islamic world.

Umm… what else is going on? Last night we had a BBQ at General Ashcroft’s house with Admiral Clark. That was fun. When we do get-together’s, he likes to play the piano have sing-alongs and I really enjoy that. He seems to genuinely like students and takes a liking tome mainly because his daughter shares my name…but anyway, that was fun…

Can’t believe how fast this semester is going by. Still lots of work but getting closer with every paper. Waiting to hear back on potential job offers here on regent’s campus for the fall, as a possibility. I just got a completely random email from a classmate I know from one class, that works for Regent international programs and letting me know she was looking for someone else in a position there. She’s hoping to make it a full-time position by fall, which is what I need… anyway, I’m going to explore it and see what happens. Since it would be development of programs in China, Zambia, Israel etc… with travel etc… it sounds interesting anyway!

I’ve been struggling physically a lot and am frustrated. My headaches are back this week and I don’t know if it’s allergies or what. Ergh. I feel like I’ve been sick off and on (mostly on) for this whole semester and it’s strange cause my immune system shouldn’t be that down.

Well, I guess that’s the news of the moment.

Another Week

I think Wednesday nights is becoming my regular posting time. I multi-task in this class because the rabbit-trails lose me otherwise since this prof goes into SO much detail…

A few thoughts from this week…

Spontaneity is not a good feature in a vehicle. Never knowing when my transmission is going to decide not to put the car in gear adds some unnecessary excitement to life.

Panera’s is my new favorite haunt for studying. It’s not loud like the one in Vero and has couches and a fireplace so it’s the perfect place to curl up and read with unlimited coffee and sweet tea….

I graduate 6 weeks from Saturday. Crazy fast. I’ll be in Philadelphia next weekend and then Krista comes and visits the following weekend… I’m excited!

I’m having roommate problems and not very happy about it­­­­. I feel as though they are punishing me for not being closer to them or spending more time with them, and our communication has dwindled to the necessary. Everytime I come home, they are watching tv ($100 cable bill which I pay 1/3 of despite the fact I never turn the tv on…) and I can’t really talk to them… Our communication is usually via email and Jodi is SO condescending to me that it is really bugging me. They don’t treat me like I’m paying 1/3 of the rent and I feel they’re doing me a “big favor” if they ever let me actually use the house. Having people over is a big stressful ordeal I only attempt every few weeks because they make me feel like a child begging permission. They don’t give me the same consideration at all. I’m just really tired of it. Jodi is the passive resistant type that is completely rude but does it in this sweet tone of voice so you don’t realize that what she was really saying was rude until afterwards.. I’m just trying to survive the last weeks now and avoid any major conflict. Agh. I haven’t told them yet that I’m leaving in May, though I told them before I might be. I need to figure out a way to avoid paying rent the rest of the summer and I have a feeling they’re not going to make that easy on me…Even if I came back in September, I would want to find a different situation.. It could be worse, but I’ve been really frustrated lately with feeling like I live in someone else’s space and any minute I spend outside my bedroom is an inconvenience to them… Not to mention that I end up buying all the “common items” we share more often than anyone and that’s really annoying…

Ok, done complaining about that. Weather. We had a few days in the 80s. Nice. Now it’s snowing again. I want spring to stay!

I’ve really been missing Peru lately. Hate being away so long.

Ok. Out of thoughts.

Catching up...

Well, my title describes the theme of my life. Eternally behind. Eternal procrastination. I need renewed motivation post-spring break. I didn't even really break and yet I'm still feeling lazy. Well, I was planning to post over break and like most other things on my to-do list during break...that didn't happen. I also didn't go anywhere overnight...just day trips. Here's what I did do:

School. Not as much as planned but...

Shenandoah National Park/Forest. Beautiful! at the end of the Blue Ridge Parkway. Freezing cold. Hiked 5 miles in ice and snow to see a frozen waterfall. Cold but worth it. Very fun. Car started making horrible noise 20 miles from leaving the park. Opened hood to find a splintered tension belt and broken tensioner. I had panicked Cordele-flashbacks afraid to be stranded... no cell phone signal to call AAA. Sun going down. COLD. COasted in neutral down to tiny town as base at end of park and into nearest mechanic. Thank God, he had the parts and took the time to fix it right away so there was no stranding. Whew.

Eastern Shore, VA. Runs right to MD border. Totally unique area. Across a 30 mile bridge-tunnel from here. Longest in the world and one of the 7 engineering wonders of the modern world. Beautiful. Eastern shore is backwoods country, marsh, tiny spotted towns along shore. Very neat.

Kitty Hawk, NC. Just an hour south of here. Beautiful beaches. Wright Brothers memorial. Roanoke island. Lost colony is now found minus the people. Neat to see. Beautiful wooded area. Drove afterwards across to Jamesville, NC to a remote mostly hidden Fish Camp... tiny shack on the edge of the water. REALLY good fish. Hour south of Va Bch.

Georgetown, D.C. Explored Georgetown area which I never really did when I lived there since I didn't have a car. Found an old bookshop. Some really good finds. 1894 two-volume set on the History of the Church in Scotland. 1890 "Mother of the Wesleys" book on Susanna Wesley. 1930 of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. Anglo-Saxon poetry volume cerca 1900. A few other good finds...$2-$15.... amazing. I love books. ;) Got together with Holly. Good day.

Fredricksburg Battle field. Just north of here. Battle of Sunken Road site. One of the greatest confederate victories. Beautiful site. Want to spend more time in Fredricksburg eventually…quaint town.

The weather has been nice, allowing for these short random excursions amidst my real life of school work. The problem (among others) with such an early Spring Break is now I have the whole rest of the semester…and it’s long!

Anyway, trying to get back in gear and re-focus. So many random things I need to get done. Applications etc… It never ends. I’ve revised my position on cloning…

Con Tiempo

Considering the downnote of my post, nearly a month ago, I guess I should update sometime this year! My continual complaint that no one reads this may sound hollow when there is mostly nothing to read...

Guess where I am now? Yes, in class. It's the only time I feel I can write and still multi-task. I'm in my favorite class though (listening to class announcements at the moment) Islamic Political Theology. This class has my mind very into Islamic ideology right now. In fact, in my last article critique for International Human Rights, I chose an article from an Islamic perspective and Dr. Bom reacted negatively since he thinks I need to write everything I ever write on Latin America... I guess diversity of interest isn't always considered a plus in graduate students but I'm liberal arts to the core of my nature... ;)

Overall, I'm good. Terribly behind in school. Procrastination is a terrible curse because I'm so good at it. Seriously, I work so well under pressure at the last minute it continually gets harder to do things ahead of time!

Spring break technically starts Friday. So much work to do it won't feel like much of a break. Might go visit ganna for a couple days. Might go to DC for a couple days. We'll see. Probably won't go too far. Not a long break.

I've been struggling with sickness all month. Cold/flu/stomach symptoms off and on. Can't seem to fight it completely off. Tired a lot. Could be worse.

Excited I got invited and sponsored to go to the Philadelphia Society meeting in April. Should be fascinating and fun.

Ok, need to focus now...

When life isn't much fun...

I'm sitting in class at 12:05pm. Class was supposed to let out at noon. I've been here 3 hours. It's Public Policies...sounds interesting but its not cause its a methodology class. This is torture. Instead of talking about methodology, I can't figure out what we're doing. We had an assignment last week analyzing policy and viewpoints on embryonic stem cell research. Today she had some of the students read they assignments outloud...taking about 2 hours. Monotone rambling reading. We ALL did the same research, so I cannot figure out WHY we needed to listen to some of the students read the same stuff we all read. Then she made them do a panel answering questions on the issue. WHY? I have no idea. The class isn't supposed to be about the issue, its about the method of research...and even if it were about the issue, why would our fellow students that did the same research we did be experts? They are just as limited in knowledge as the rest of us. Torture. Now we are watching Dave Weldon on a video from the Heritage Foundation...talking about the same subject. I still haven't figured out what we're supposed to be learning. This professor is going to get me baker-acted. I still have another 3 hour class with her tonight! And oh JOY...that one will be three hours of listing mathematical equations. Why am I in grad school? I've wondered that a lot this week. I hate both these classes, and the consume the majority of my time. My research for this class is interesting--well, it's for both classes--cause I picked my semester-long topic of higher education in Latin America. But her expectations of us are insane. Impossible. She has this method where she asks too much but then doesn't actually expect it all...but we never know what she expects..so we have to do all of it just for the heck of it. We never understand her assignments anyway... People are slowly leaving class now.... but she hasn't stopped the video. 5 of us remain. Perhaps I'm accumulating bonus points by staying late. I'm starving though so this won't last much longer.

I'm thoroughly sick of school right now and want a break and I'm not even 3 whole weeks into the semester. I'm just complaining now...I'm sure you noticed.

Thinking again...

Well, it's January now and I thought my thoughts should resume... but not without commenting that the primary reason for my long absence from the blogosphere has been the nagging feeling no one actually reads what I write.. (hint: comment/respond) ;)

I'm in Quantitative Analysis at the moment. My most mathematical class. This professor is very entertaining in a boring sort of way. She is extremely intelligent yet a terrible communicator. Thinks on a higher level than the rest of the world, thus it is hard for her to come down to our level. I have 6 hours of class with her on Thursdays...two different courses. AHH! She makes them both as difficult as possible--at least in theory--and the work load is overwhelming. Of course, when it comes down to it she won't actually expect the full load to be turned in--because that's impossible in one semester--but in the meantime its so frustrating cause I feel like I have to at least try to do everything, meaning I stay overwhelmed all the time. I've got to find a balance. Right now I have 120 pages of reading, a major unstarted research project on stem cell research, and an annotated bibliography on higher education in Latin America all due by midnight Saturday... and none of which are even started...

I intended to get started sooner but today I got nothing done. I'm in hour 5 of class with Dr. McDonald. I lost the early afternoon hours, partly running around trying to find a cure for my splitting sinus headache, and then I realized that I had not done several things I had to do for the COGS (student govnt) even that was at 5pm, so I spent the rest of the pre-class day working on that...running around like crazy...

I started coming down with a cough when I first got back after break, but now it has developed into major sinus stuff and an intense headache that keeps me from actually being able to think...an activity composing a minor part of my life right now. I hope I get over it soon or I'll go get antibiotics. I have NO time to be sick right now!

Oh well. There is never a good time to be sick I guess.

I absolutely LOVE my Christian and Islamic Political Theology class. My professor has an INCREDIBLE brain. He speaks about 8 languages fluently, most of them ancient... he has his PhD in Egyptian Hyroglyphics... (talk about taking a long time to write...try chiseling that one out!) and is an international expert on Coptic, Greek, Hebrew, Latin, German and various other languages...crazy genius. He just randomly speaks various languages throughout lectures. He is a professor of Government, Law, and Divinity and is an incredible philosopher as well. I am just in awe of his intellect. A little jealous, perhaps. I also love his heart. He opened the class, which focuses on Islamic Political Theology, by praying for the salvation of muslims worldwide. I was a little overwhelmed realizing what a privilege it is to be here at such a time as this...

Ok, between my aching head and the mathematical equations accumulating on the board I guess I should stop blogging now...

President Bush's War on Terror Speech

Here's is the text of the President's speech I went to last Friday. I volunteered and ended up taking tickets and helping the secret service with bag checks…freezing cold and rainy outside that morning…The SS weren’t too friendly (shock surprise) but all the people attending the speech were military so talking to all them for several hours and the line filed in was interesting and fun…I analyzed the various aspects of all branches of the military based on their interaction with me. Navy is still my favorite…and not just for the best uniforms. I did get a couple date-invites from marines but I guess they’re the most starved for female interaction… =)
Anyway, we got really close seats as volunteers and it was interesting to be in that setting--actually hearing the President while sitting down-- since it was just us and thousands of military...totally different audience! I It was a long speech but I thought it was interestingly ideological....  Actually, the spiritual atmosphere in the room was WIERD... I felt like I've felt in several sermons when there is this wall and things are bouncing back...except it wasn't natural because the audience was supporters of the president...but not really HEARING him in that setting. This was the day after Miers withdrew her nomination. I was analyzing why it felt so strange... He talked a lot about radical Islam (interesting...no longer a war on terror, he is now calling it a war on radical Islam)... but really, when I thought about it later, I felt like part of what is going on with the President right now is spiritual... especially right after the Miers nomination. So many Christians dropped their support for him instantly because it was all based on the abortion issue to start with. With him losing that support, I think it has had an impact upon how is being perceived by the American public...why he's not being "heard" in a way-- Hard to explain, but I felt it really strongly... something shifted in the spiritual. Anyway, I can't figure out what all I think right now spiritually about a lot of things going on... Anyway, thought you might want to see the speech. It was completely unique among anything I've heard him say.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2005/10/20051028-1.html#
It was an interesting experience.

Another Month

It’s the first of November. Where has this year gone? I know…I only blog when I’m aware of time passing. Talked to Paul and Hope for a long time today. As Hope was chattering away on various topics, she had no idea she had me tearing up on the other end. I can’t believe she turns 13 in a few weeks and listening to her talk was striking me so strongly…even though she’s younger for her age than I was at 12, I think, she is still growing up so fast. Change.

It’s been a good week thus far. Weekend was a mixture of homework and other random stuff. Really enjoying dance at church… Like getting challenged. Had to decide between dancing here on xmas Sunday or trying to get home for xmas Sunday and I opted for the latter. I’ll perform with the team on Dec 4th but will be gone before the other dances, so I’m helping out as a stand-in so I can teach the missing dancers their parts. Always someone missing since there’s 15 members of the team. Trying to build some relationships there but somewhat difficult…partly a racial thing. I’m one of three white girls and it just takes more time to break into the relational world…

In other random Church news…I talked to Sandy, Ps. Ron Johnson’s wife, for a long-time last week. Much to my dismay she’s offering to “set me up” with their 24 yr old son. She said I could attempt the 22 yr old as well but he’s currently dating someone. Oh joy. Why do some ppl meet a single woman and immediately think of how they can rid them of their singleness? Bugs me that even nice people do it to me. This isn’t some plague I’m rushing to get rid of…. And how do I respond to the Ps’ wife? I just laughed at her and tried to be polite but…  Anyways, supposed to have lunch with their family in a couple weeks… we’d planned it for this Sunday but Ps Ron had to fly to Australia to speak at David Cartledge’s funeral and Paul Wilbur is in town this Sunday.

School-wise, things are starting to pile up on me. For some reason ALL my classes keep delaying assignments so that they will all come due in the last two weeks of November…so I need to be disciplined and not procrastinate but that’s not happening. Need a little less socialization and a little more actual work.

Speaking of work, I am so overwhelmed with what Dr Walker has me doing in my GA work. It’s such an incredibly huge project that the further I get into it the more I am aware I will never make enough progress to be meaningful. Oh well, I can’t complain for lack of hrs like the other GAs…

Really missing home today and can’t wait ‘til thanksgiving…

Time

I don't know why I'm having such an "age crisis" this week... nothing in particular prompted it that I know of... perhaps seeing part of "13 going on 30" the other night. I had a sudden realization that it's been close to 10 years since I was 13. Talking to a friend yesterday, we were appalled to realize it's been SIX years since we finished highschool!! That's longer than I was in highschool! Actually, since I don't know exactly when I entered highschool, but I graduated in 2000, it's probably twice as long as I was in highschool...All of a sudden 22 is feeling very very very old. I can't believe Marybeth turns 19 in a few weeks. I'm still 19 in my head! Someone recently pointed out to me that when I mention my siblings I am continually changing their ages... I'll say "my 14 yr old brother" one day and my "13 yearold brother" the next day... I keep everyone rather confused as to whether I have a 11 yr old brother or sister, since Hope is still 11 in my head too! I just nearly typed that I can't believe we're about to have 6 teenagers in our family, but then I realized Naomi and I are no longer teenagers! AHHH....WOW, 6/8 of the kids being teen or older?! I'm already having a crisis about Nome's birthday… since we're somehow the same age in my head, I feel like I'm turning 25 next year, and the thought is incredibly frightening. I think all the changes in the past 4 years since I first really "left home" are just now catching up with me. I have Jon-Jon's age down because of repeating it a lot in Peru, but everytime the words "my sixteen year old brother" come out of my mouth, my heart skips a beat. How did THAT happen? Someone asked me about our Christmas traditions the other day... I'm so looking forward to us all being together for Christmas again....

In a conversation about the painfulness of confronting others about sin in their lives and speaking the truth in love...risking the relationship etc...a friend who is the youngest of 5 children said to me "It's especially hard to confront when it's your family." I responded that I didn't really know since everyone was still so young and I'd never really had to do that. I realized later that the "youngness" wasn't really the issue. Considering I had my first "confrontation" experience when I was 12 and it was with another 12 yr old.... Considering by the time I was 15 I had lost numerous friends cause I was the one willing to say what no one else said... Considering 5 of my 8 siblings are all above the age of that first experience... it's not because they're "young" that they haven't "screwed up"... It's because--first--they have the same parents keeping them from screwing up that kept me from screwing up.... And--second--we are so incredibly blessed.

Anyway, I really should work... but I was just thinking about seizing the day and how quickly time passes...and how incredibly much I love my family...

Fear of the Lord

I'm doing a scripture-study on fear of the Lord. I feel like both my mind and my spirit are struggling to wrap themselves around this so often neglected concept. In the evangelical church we've reduced it to reassuring people they don't have to be afraid of God but just in "awe" of Him...whatever that means...and skimmed over the fear of the Lord references in the Bible, often even directly misinterpreting and reading fear of the Lord yet proceeding to discuss it as if it said love of the Lord. Once I had the revelation that it is God's kindness that draws us to repentance but by fear of the Lord we depart from sin, I couldn't believe it wasn't so obvious to me before...

Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.
Proverbs 16:6

The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.
Proverbs 14:27

I feel like every time I open my bible I even unintentionally find more...finding and walking fear of the Lord has become my heart's desire...

Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
Psalm 86:11

The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
Psalm 25:14

With Psalm 86:11, I hear it used so often and misquoted... give me an undivided heart that I might "serve you" or "love you" or fill-in-the-blank with anything other than fear your name. We almost intentionally "skip" this topic!

How can we do anything else we're called to do in our Christian walk when fear of the Lord is fundamental even to our calling to share the gospel...

Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade men. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience.
II Corinthians 5:11

This morning I found one that truly puzzles me. I tend to see God's love and God's fear-inspiring essence as somehow divided yet...

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
Psalm 130:4
Somehow they must be more linked than I realized. If part of our fear of Him comes out of recognizing Him for who He is even in His mercy and forgiveness!

Sometimes I feel that if I could just once really get a perspective on who God is and who I am in relation to Him, I would never again grow into complacency or sin... and yet everytime I glimpse myself through His eyes, I am so like the man James describes:

A man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

Thoughts for the day...

Monday again...

Weeks are going by so fast. Hard to believe.

Just got back from Maryland. Went home with Kristen for the weekend. I kinda got obligated to go for complicated reasons and felt it was the right thing to do. Long weekend. mainly cause I wanted to get things done but was virtually incapable. Felt like a lot of wasted time but knew I was there to invest in her.

Went to Renaissance Fair on Saturday. Interesting. Fun shows. Lots of freaky people. Way too much drinking going on so we got out of there before sundown. Relatively fun though.

Just got back shortly before class, where I am now. Way behind in work and need to zone back in...

today's ramblings...

I thought about law school this week. Tempting but finally concluded there are other things that interest me more and would be the same in terms of education level...worth the same in the world but worth more to me... It was interesting to think about it though, for the first time.

I'm so sick today I can't think or focus. Very frustrating. I'm on the second week of a fast and even though I'm keeping my nutrient levels high I guess I'm not doing well enough cause my body is shutting down. Sure it's partly loss of sleep. Need to overcome cause there is so much to do and not being able to think slows things way down.

Overheard a student in the library today complaining she had three papers due in November so she had to get started now—during her week off. School of Govnt has no fall break. She did not pull at my sympathy. I have three papers due in the next 4 days… never ceases to amaze me what people consider a heavy load... At least mine's not law school. Those students are always stressed out.

Really missing home today. Called and talked to Paul and Anna. Anna said
"Martha is in the car and mommy is in the airplane." I miss her. Was talking to a friend yesterday about my family, he was asking a lot of questions, and I started rambling about Anna… realized after about 5 minutes this was probably rather boring to listen to...especially since I know he doesn’t really like children. When I stopped I realized I was being laughed at... I guess it shows that I'm just a little crazy about Tookie =)

In class, lecture on Marxism… guess I should listen up in case there is something I haven’t heard...

Procrastination

It occurred to me tonight that I had completely forgotten about my new blog site before I even shared it with anyone. I am posting to mid-air, but figured I should give an update post before letting y'all know it exists. Hopefully the past week will not turn out to be an indication of my dedication to posting. It truly was an insane week and things shall return to a more semi-normal state now...I hope.

I finished the rough draft of my paper that night--Tues night-- and continued to revise it until I turned it in Saturday. Though I had never written a paper that far "ahead" of time, and I invested more in the paper than I have in any 5 page paper of my academic career, I was still very unhappy with the finished product. It was mediocre, not excellent, and no matter how much I worked on it I could not seem to improve it. Not sure if it was the difficulty of finding relevent research or what. I no longer want to share the paper. I'll be doing an ethical paper on the same topic in a couple weeks and I think that one will be better. I hope. In the meantime, it was such a relief to send it in Saturday knowing I had done all I could. It was an unbelievable weight. In the meantime, I wrote my other 6 project/papers and turned them in, and they were probably all rather mediocre but they did not matter nearly as much to me... and I'm sure my grades on them will be fine, while I am quite nervously awaiting the Hedberg grade.

Speaking of Hedberg, I had her class tonight and did not enjoy it at all, which is unusual. I'm not sure what we "learned" because I don't think I understood a thing going on. It was some random compilation of talk about the morality of law and the ten commandments and situational ethics and polling data and Jesus conducting polls and… well, nothing that made much sense to me. I thought it was just cause my brain is so foggy today—probably from lack of sleep—but it was confirmed by a classmate afterwards and since he is smarter than I am, the confusion was not just in my brain. The worst part was this breakout exercise because my "group" in that class consists of 3 girls who are super-spiritual and answer all class questions with “we just need to love God more” and one girl who gets so frustrated with the other three that she just pouts, and me…feeling the pressure to come up with SOMETHING to present to the Prof at the end of the breakout session. Ridiculous waste of time but oh well… I usually like that class...

I felt so relieved to have major projects over with last week that I was far to lax all weekend. Friday night we had a get-together at my friend Kristen’s house. She wanted to cook for everyone but it turned out she didn’t know how to cook, so I ghost-cooked for her… we made stuffed shells and I made refrigerator rolls (they make great bread sticks I discovered…) and cookies... It was fun... I love cooking for other ppl. We crammed about 10 friends into her tiny apt. After everyone left that night she and I talked until 3am, which was nuts since I had gotten 8 hours sleep combining the entire week up ‘til that night. I needed to invest that time in her though I think. So then Saturday I had to be up in Hampton at church (45 min drive) at 9am for dance practice since I was starting my first week on the church's dance team. It was really really cool... I like the team a lot and was very impressed. I will definitely be the worst dancer on the team and better get back my flexibility quick cause I was completely challenged at practice but that was a good thing. I love the leader… I’ll probably share more about that later. Anyway, I came back after practice and did some homework and then had social dance lessons that afternoon…which are a few Saturdays this semester. It’s really getting fun now that we are learning a little more advanced stuff and that was good. Then I went to the library to finish my paper… my friend Peter and I were both finishing ours up and emailing them in, helping eachother since most of us are learning Turabian style grammar/citation for the first time. Anyways, when we finished we went and picked out a movie and took it to Kristen’s to watch. Well, that sound simple but it was really an hour long process cause I discovered my wallet was missing and I had a free rental coupon but no blockbuster card and no ID and they wouldn't let us rent it and then he tried to open an account but the guy was a complete jerk and wouldn't let him cause he had a debit card instead of credit card so we went back to my house to look for my card but failed and then found Kristen’s other friend had a card and so we went to go meet them there and got lost in the parking lot and ...yeah, about 1.5hrs later we actually started the movie at Kristen’s…meaning it was another late night... Wow, those details sound really boring but it was truly hilarious at the time. Perhaps I was just so tired...

Late night Saturday led to having to be in Hampton for church at 7:30am to run the powerpoint… and I have to run it for both services which means being at church from 7:30am-1:30pm...if service actually gets out on time, which is rare. I came home, did some reading—fell asleep for 30 minutes accidentally—and then went to Kristen’s to watch the first half of the football game. Then we went to this bible study I've started attending for twenty-something women and then the church service for twenty-somethings. I still have a hard time thinking I fit in that category. I feel so old. It's a Baptist church but pretty good. I go mainly for the relationships, since bethel doesn’t have Sunday night services. I struggled over whether it was ok to go for relationships but then figured it was better than staying home completely on Sunday nights… This was my second week and last week was really kinda shallow mssg etc... and last night the bible study was lots of crying over being single—which I hate—but then the church sermon was actually a good message about self-sacrifice and discipline so it redeemed itself. Stayed afterwards since I had to give Kristen a ride home and she wanted to watch Hitch—they always play a movie after service. Another late night... got little done before crashing last night. So that was my exciting weekend. Lots of talking, little work. It’s been raining ALL weekend so that’s blah. First multiple days of rain since I've lived here. I’m going home with Kristen next weekend, she lives in Maryland...and we're going to spend Fri-Sat in DC and come back Monday. It should be fun.

I really need to do this assignment that’s due tonight. I'm using this as a form of procrastination that is really punishment to anyone who reads it since I'm sure its incredibly boring. I've had about 5 hours of relatively deep conversation today about everything from family dynamics to the destiny of the USA so I’m all thought-out I think...and have nothing to show for it. I should blog when I actually have something to say. I’ll try to do that in the future—I promise =)

Midnight Oil

As I write the clock has passed midnight, yet the night is young. This shall be my first all-nighter of the semester, and since I have already decided that, I am not afraid to invest a few minutes in this post. I feel as though this is "reality week" for me academically. I had a paper due last night, another due tomorrow, three more Thursday, and a final culmination with a very important paper due Saturday. It is the latter that has occupied my time and motivates my all-nighter. I have finally concluded research, more or less, and will now dive into writing, attempting to get it all done tonight so I can revise for a few days as I write my other papers. Some assignments I do to complete, others to excel. Of my seven assignments/papers of this week, this is my excel paper. My topic was prompted by a debate I had with Dr. Spann last year before the presidential election. He voted for the Constitution Party candidate on the basis that our civic duty is to vote for the best candidate, not the lesser of two evils just because one of them is bound to win the election. While I vigorously disagreed with him at the time, I have since been reexploring my political philosophy in this area, and thus decided to write this research paper on historical thought regarding whether we are ethically bound to vote for the best candidate or just for the best candidate who is "electable." I'll post my conclusions when I finish the paper. It's fascinating me, though it has been very difficult to find early American thought on this topic. My professor, Dr. Hedburg, suggested this would be a good doctoral thesis. It would not interest me to that extent, but she is right in that it seems to be a topic largely unexplored by other authors. At least my paper will be original, if not as extensive as I'd like.

I've spent nearly all of the past two days in the library. I've found myself geographically displaced in my search for a place of focus. I work in a cubicle with other GAs (graduate assistants) but for some reason my desk has become the focal point of social interaction in the office, and I have wonderful conversations there but get little accomplished. Studying at home is next-to-impossible if only because my brain is so easily distracted by other tasks and minor things that come up. The library is a half-way compromise. Some of my friends are gauranteed to provide temptation for distraction, and one of my friends, Peter, virtually lives in the library (being of the more studious type than I am) so conversations that start based upon discussing assignments often lead to extended periods when I should be studying but I often would rather discuss philosophy and politics than read and write about it. This week most of my classmates and I have shared the common purpose of this paper, and the pressure of knowing Dr. Hedburg has threatened to shock us all with low grades has kept us more focused than usual.

Coming out of an absolutely awesome weekend with God, I find I am not stressed about everything I have to do but am concerned I cannot complete it all in the level of excellence I would like. However, sometimes I am very wrong in evaluating my own work. I just back my last two assignments from Dr. Bom--one of which was a short paper which took me a week to write for some unknown reason-- from my Democracy and Development class. I thought he would be disapointed in my work because I did not feel I was really on the ball in my writing. He loved them both, however, which surprised me because he does grade me somewhat harshly because he has high expectations. He always makes me laugh with his comments that I am "comprehensive and balanced, despite strong beliefs." Interpretation: "holy cow girl, you're opinionated! But since I agree with most of your opinions, I'll call you balanced and give you a good grade..."

Really, I'm not at all balanced because I know he already KNOWs the other side of the issue and that he "gets me" when I go off about the stupidity of liberals in Latin America =) I may not be "balanced" but I'm right... which is must more important to me...

He asked to talk to me about doctorate work. Funny timing because just this weekend I felt God told me to let that go and not try and "plan" that stage at this point. I had just done all this research at work on Regent's "competitors" and in the process looked into PhD programs all over the country to see what my options were. I was left a little taken aback at the length of the programs etc... and worried about it...especially since if I were to start next fall, I'd have to apply by this December. However, I definitely feel like God wants me--at least for today--to wait on what He's going to do. Hard because I want to plan and have no idea how I would possibly ever pay for doctoral work, yet want and need to do it so... well, I know God has a plan.

I had to register today for commencement in May. Feels so strange because I still feel I just began and I'm already planning "the end." Right now it looks like I'll take another heavy credit load in the spring, walk in May, and then finish up my remaining 6 credits at Oxford next summer.

Of course, I should refrain from planning my finish until I am faithful to write this paper. I shall now return to theories and ethics of voting behavior and hopefully write a good paper. I know I need to do a more generic "how I'm doing" post for those I'm out-of-touch with, so I will...eventually.

New Beginnings

For over a month now I've gone back and forth on whether to blog and if so, on which site. I have one profile page I know my Asbury friends check...another my Regent friends check... neither of which I truly use to blog, and I have nothing to communicate just to home. I know my tendency to write as a form of procrastination, but I have finally concluded that even if I am writing things in which no one is truly interested, I need a writing outlet which only those I trust will read. The down-side of using blogger is that there is no subscription option currently. If you want me to email you when I do a new post, let me know. Otherwise, you can always check this site to find out if there is something new with me.